Creativity and Bipolar

Creativity and Bipolar 

"A recent study carried out at Stanford University by Santosa and colleagues found that people with bipolar disorder and creative discipline controls scored significantly more highly than healthy controls on a measure of creativity called the Barron-Welsh Art Scale... During periods of mild depression people with bipolar disorder and creative people may be able to retreat inside themselves, introspect, put thoughts and feelings into perspective, eliminate irrelevant ideas, and focus on the bare essentials. Then during periods of mild elation they may be able to gather the vision, confidence, and stamina for creative expression and realization." 
- http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201203/bipolar-disorder-and-creativity


Basically - People with bipolar disorder tend to be exceptionally creative.

Here's a few creative, bipolar sorts you might know-

Beethoven, Russell Brand, 

Winston Churchill, Kurt Cobain, 

Charles Dickens, Carrie Fischer, 

Stephen Fry, Ernest Hemingway, Marilyn Monroe, 

Isaac Newton, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Edgar Allan Poe, Van Gogh

Just to name a few. There's quite a lot of lists online that give names of those that have bipolar, or are suspected of having bipolar from documented behavioral patterns (such as Beethoven, Hemingway, Poe and Van Gogh.)

Myself? I'm terrible with painting or sculpting or coming up with new laws of physics (ha) or composing music - but I am good at creative writing.
It may not seem like a big thing- I mean creative writing is, to most people, some small, unavoidable part of high school. 

But to me, and I speak very literally here:

Creative writing saved my life. It is the reason I am alive and typing this today.

When I was at my lowest, all I could think was how terrible I was at everything, how I was a piece of useless shit, good for nothing, worthless, a waste of the world's resources. 

When you literally believe you contribute nothing to the world but misery, it's very easy to kill yourself, or attempt it. 

I had to try very, very hard to think of one tiny thing I was good at, one insignificant little thing I could say I was better at than other people, in order to stop from throwing myself off a balcony, or draining the blood from my wrists, or hanging, or overdosing, etc.

There was only ever one thing I could think of, and that was my creative writing. Because I was damn good at that, no matter how much of a failure I was with everything else in my life.

And that kept me alive.

And when I needed to vent, I would write as a stress-release. I would write about fictional characters in their fictional worlds, doing extraordinary things worth writing about. I could escape into this world I could control, a world where there were never any me's running around fucking things up. 

And that writing turned out to be really good, soooo it was a win-win. 

My previous post about whether I would give up bipolar or not ties in really heavily with this creativity post, because the question is essentially asking whether I'd give up this creative part of me, the part I treasure most, in order to be 'normal'.

If I had had a 'normal' high school experience, I would have gone to every class, got B's and C's, never done anything particularly good or bad, graduated and gotten into accounting or something.

Instead, I skipped a vast majority of classes and assignments, using various medical certificates as excuses. I pretended I had 'cramps' at the nurses office to sleep for an hour instead of attending class, or hung out under the bleachers and smoked a joint with friends. 
I got below 50% in every class, but beat 99.9% of students nationwide in the creative writing sections of their English exams. 
I was essentially the worst student in the school in every subject except writing, and the best in the school at that. Fun outliers (hahaha).

It's the only thing in my life I can actually feel proud of, and it's kept me going long enough to get better. I may have been the worst at everything else, but I was the best when it came to my creative outlet.

If I was 'normal' would I have needed that outlet in the first place?
I would be average at everything, as opposed to being terrible at everything except one thing that I was exceptionally great at.

Are you seeing a pattern here? Bipolar moods shift from 1-10 with little in between moods. 'Normal' moods always hover around 5.

My schoolwork was either appalling (1) or brilliant (10), instead of average (5) overall.

I think the correllation is interesting anyway.

- M

Stephen Fry the Funny Guy

"Stephen John Fry is an English actor, screenwriter, author, playwright, journalist, poet, comedian, television presenter, film director and board member of Norwich City Football Club." - Wikipedia

He also happens to be a long time sufferer of bipolar depression, and has spoken quite openly about it in his two part documentary, "Stephen Fry: The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive."

I can generally speak about my bipolar depression (type 2) in an offhand, upbeat manner (which is the protocol unless you want everyone around you to squirm uncomfortably), but watching this documentary made me cry at parts, made my heart hurt, because it was so real, and made me face parts of myself I choose not to think about because it's just easier.

One part that I want to address now is the dark question I usually avoid. 

"If you had the opportunity, would you choose not to have Bipolar Depression? To never have been born with it?"

Well, shit.

I don't actually know.

For you non-bipolars out there, let's try a fun exercise.

Remember, for a minute, the happiest moment of your life. The moment where you felt elated, excited, energetic. Like the whole world was yours, you could do anything, you were part of this beautiful universe, surrounded by beauty and love and life and light. You could dance for hours straight, jumping and laughing and infecting everyone with your energy because there was so much it just spilled over onto your peers.

Have you ever felt a moment like that?

On a scale of 1-10, that would be your '10'.

Now remember the darkest moment of your life. The moment when every breath rattled in your chest when you drew it in. Where your heart felt truly squeezed and broken, your mind decimated and thrown to the hungry dogs. Where there was no energy left to live or move or blink or feel. Where your presence was toxic to anyone around you, and the sound of every tear falling was painfully loud in the quiet of your loneliness.

Let's call that your '1'.

Now just try to imagine, that your '10' is only about 1/50^th of a bipolar sufferer's '10.'

That euphoric '10' that you feel? Someone with bipolar's '10' is 50 times that. It is beyond magic, or spirituality. It is just happiness in its purest form.

And imagine the darkest you've felt, your '1'. Same thing. 50 times that.

There's a beautiful, tragic moment in the Fry documentary, where a man is asked the question, and he replies that no, he would rather have the bipolar, because,

"If you've walked with angels, all the pain and 

suffering is well worthwhile" - 38:25

At that point, I had to pause the video and pace around the house for a minute, collecting my thoughts.

Would I?

There's no describing the high of a '10'. It just is. It is pure, and raw, and you are hilarious and genius at the height of wit and energy.

But the '1's have hurt people around me. And I care about the people around me more than the high, so if I have even the slightest shred of dignity, yeah, I'd get rid of the bipolar. Don't expect this response from all those with bipolar, though. Because until you've experienced it for yourself, you have no idea what you'd be asking us to give up. 

It would mean sacrificing my writing, my piano playing, my personality would probably be affected. This paragraph here can be split into two further blog posts, 'Medication' and 'Creativity'.

However, this is all hypothetical anyway, because it's not something you can just get rid of. Medication and therapy help but it never just 'goes away', so, sorry, but you're stuck with us for now. Let's make the best of this situation?

Oh, and speaking of making the best of a situation, a friend asked me a couple of years ago which two people I'd choose to be stuck on a deserted island with for 10 years. At the time I didn't know Fry had bipolar at all, I just thought he was the coolest guy ever as the host of QI. Hilarious and intelligent, I chose him. 

The other person I chose was Norman Reedus, only because he was ridiculously sexy in 'The Boondock Saints'. 

(It's the Irish accent that does it.) Hahaha ;)

Seriously as if this isn't the hottest thing you've ever seen.

Just look at him. 

- M