"Stephen John Fry is an English actor, screenwriter, author, playwright, journalist, poet, comedian, television presenter, film director and board member of Norwich City Football Club." - Wikipedia
He also happens to be a long time sufferer of bipolar depression, and has spoken quite openly about it in his two part documentary, "Stephen Fry: The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive."
I can generally speak about my bipolar depression (type 2) in an offhand, upbeat manner (which is the protocol unless you want everyone around you to squirm uncomfortably), but watching this documentary made me cry at parts, made my heart hurt, because it was so real, and made me face parts of myself I choose not to think about because it's just easier.
One part that I want to address now is the dark question I usually avoid.
"If you had the opportunity, would you choose not to have Bipolar Depression? To never have been born with it?"
Well, shit.
I don't actually know.
For you non-bipolars out there, let's try a fun exercise.
Remember, for a minute, the happiest moment of your life. The moment where you felt elated, excited, energetic. Like the whole world was yours, you could do anything, you were part of this beautiful universe, surrounded by beauty and love and life and light. You could dance for hours straight, jumping and laughing and infecting everyone with your energy because there was so much it just spilled over onto your peers.
Have you ever felt a moment like that?
On a scale of 1-10, that would be your '10'.
Now remember the darkest moment of your life. The moment when every breath rattled in your chest when you drew it in. Where your heart felt truly squeezed and broken, your mind decimated and thrown to the hungry dogs. Where there was no energy left to live or move or blink or feel. Where your presence was toxic to anyone around you, and the sound of every tear falling was painfully loud in the quiet of your loneliness.
Let's call that your '1'.
That euphoric '10' that you feel? Someone with bipolar's '10' is 50 times that. It is beyond magic, or spirituality. It is just happiness in its purest form.
And imagine the darkest you've felt, your '1'. Same thing. 50 times that.
There's a beautiful, tragic moment in the Fry documentary, where a man is asked the question, and he replies that no, he would rather have the bipolar, because,
"If you've walked with angels, all the pain and
suffering is well worthwhile" - 38:25
suffering is well worthwhile" - 38:25
At that point, I had to pause the video and pace around the house for a minute, collecting my thoughts.
Would I?
There's no describing the high of a '10'. It just is. It is pure, and raw, and you are hilarious and genius at the height of wit and energy.
But the '1's have hurt people around me. And I care about the people around me more than the high, so if I have even the slightest shred of dignity, yeah, I'd get rid of the bipolar. Don't expect this response from all those with bipolar, though. Because until you've experienced it for yourself, you have no idea what you'd be asking us to give up.
It would mean sacrificing my writing, my piano playing, my personality would probably be affected. This paragraph here can be split into two further blog posts, 'Medication' and 'Creativity'.
However, this is all hypothetical anyway, because it's not something you can just get rid of. Medication and therapy help but it never just 'goes away', so, sorry, but you're stuck with us for now. Let's make the best of this situation?
Oh, and speaking of making the best of a situation, a friend asked me a couple of years ago which two people I'd choose to be stuck on a deserted island with for 10 years. At the time I didn't know Fry had bipolar at all, I just thought he was the coolest guy ever as the host of QI. Hilarious and intelligent, I chose him.
The other person I chose was Norman Reedus, only because he was ridiculously sexy in 'The Boondock Saints'.
(It's the Irish accent that does it.) Hahaha ;)
- M
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