Well, not really. I think I've only ever been in love once, when I was 18, with a guy and met and spent 24 hours with before he left for England for medical school. It was a magical 24 hours, but I wonder what would have happened if he'd stayed. Maybe I would have discovered he enjoys midget foot porn or something, so I think I'm glad it stayed as a perfect, unspoiled memory.
I'm not talking about that guy now, though. I'm talking about this guy Declan who asked me out about a week ago.
Declan is the kind of guy that most girls would find attractive, I guess. Goes to a good university, studying to become an engineer, hits the gym regularly and has a fun, easy-going personality.
Unfortunately, the guy's conversation points revolve around beer, footy, chicks, basketball aaand more beer. He said he hates learning. How can someone hate learning? Learning is one of life's greatest joys.
Anyway, he was a good friend, and I had hooked up with him while clubbing twice before, so I guess it wasn't completely out of the blue when he called me and asked to go to dinner.
I quickly shut him down, saying, 'Hey, sorry, I don't do the whole relationship/dating thing.'
He wasn't the first guy I used that line on, and he won't be the last.
'Yeah, Jonny said you didn't do dates. That's alright, I'll talk to you later.'
I hung up, thinking about how, despite not being the right guy for me, he was a good friend. I had been pretty curt on the phone, and quick to hang up. I didn't really offer him any explanations, either.
He probably thought I was some cold-hearted bitch.
So I sent him a text the next morning, doing something I never do.
I explained.
I felt like I owed him a reason, so I told him I had bipolar depression, and explained that being in a relationship would put a lot of pressure on me to be 'normal' all the time, and go to the gym everyday to maintain my figure, and always be up for going out to parties, which I can't always do.
Don't get me wrong, the psychiatrist and psychologists over the past five years have helped, sure, but there are still times when I'm not up for putting on a tight dress and hitting the city for a fun night out, there are times when I want to stay home in my sweats for a week and just be myself, even if that means I'm feeling sad.
I can't completely control bipolar. If I could, believe me I would have done it years ago.
So being in a relationship wouldn't be fair on me, because not being able to be a 'normal' girlfriend for my boyfriend would make me feel guilty and disappointed in myself, which would lead to my feeling more down, which would lead to more guilt... It would be a downward spiral, and it wouldn't be fair on him to have to deal with that.
A lot of people with bipolar are completely fine being in relationships, and they should be. Good for them. I'm not quite there yet though.
So I sent the text and, what do you know? Declan ignored it for about a week, then when he finally talked to me, it was about something unrelated and douchey, like some girl sent him a nude picture or something.
Apart from the fact that Declan is an ass, my point here is that some people with bipolar are at a point where the bipolar is no longer a factor in their dating life. Most have perfectly happy love lives, and don't let the mental illness impede on that happiness.
For other people, it can be harder, and it can take some time, and it's to these people I say-
Forget the Declans of the world. They're idiots.
I mean, still be nice to them and everything, but don't rely on them as a support network.
Your support network should be comprised of people that love and care for you, not idiots that have a stronger opinion of touchdowns and types of beer than political landmines likes refugees, gay marriage, abortion, tax etc.
(Note my post on support networks).
P.S: As I'm writing this, the guy sent me a text telling me about some 'chick' he's planning to 'bone' at an upcoming party we're both attending.
Seriously, he's an idiot.
- M
- M
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