Medication - IMO

I'll keep it short(ish).

My favourite thing about taking medication? It keeps me stable, so I don't go cray cray.

And my least favourite thing about taking medication? The taste of goddamn Lamictal. Fucking. Disgusting.

It's goddamn blackcurrant flavored. What idiot thought of that?

SIDE RANT:

I mean, yeah, sure, have something taste like blackcurrant once or twice. Fine.
But after taking Lamictal daily for so many years, I can't stand it anymore.

They make the taste so fucking strong you can still taste it hours later. You'll burp up the taste! It gets caught in your tastebuds so you can taste it, and in your nose so you can smell it.

Let me just reassure you now, I don't chew pills, or keep it on my tongue, or swallow it in some weird way. I'm not exaggerating, the taste really is just that strong.

I now only take it at night, and put all of them in gel capsules before I do, because otherwise I will throw up from nausea. Any people out there reading this that make medication? If there's a chance someone will be taking it every single day of their lives, make one that doesn't taste like anything at all. It's not that bloody fucking hard to comprehend.

P.S: To the people who suggested blackcurrant as a flavor for Lamictal:

Anyway...

TO SUMMARISE:

I take medication because it improves my life overall. I'm happier, and it's helped me manage everything. If I ever feel like I want to stop taking it, I will, but until then, I'm happy chillin' here.

I am not you. Nobody is you. You are unique, and your choice will be unique to you. Find what works for you.

YOU'RE FABULOUS, OKAY.

- M. 

Creativity and Bipolar

Creativity and Bipolar 

"A recent study carried out at Stanford University by Santosa and colleagues found that people with bipolar disorder and creative discipline controls scored significantly more highly than healthy controls on a measure of creativity called the Barron-Welsh Art Scale... During periods of mild depression people with bipolar disorder and creative people may be able to retreat inside themselves, introspect, put thoughts and feelings into perspective, eliminate irrelevant ideas, and focus on the bare essentials. Then during periods of mild elation they may be able to gather the vision, confidence, and stamina for creative expression and realization." 
- http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201203/bipolar-disorder-and-creativity


Basically - People with bipolar disorder tend to be exceptionally creative.

Here's a few creative, bipolar sorts you might know-

Beethoven, Russell Brand, 

Winston Churchill, Kurt Cobain, 

Charles Dickens, Carrie Fischer, 

Stephen Fry, Ernest Hemingway, Marilyn Monroe, 

Isaac Newton, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Edgar Allan Poe, Van Gogh

Just to name a few. There's quite a lot of lists online that give names of those that have bipolar, or are suspected of having bipolar from documented behavioral patterns (such as Beethoven, Hemingway, Poe and Van Gogh.)

Myself? I'm terrible with painting or sculpting or coming up with new laws of physics (ha) or composing music - but I am good at creative writing.
It may not seem like a big thing- I mean creative writing is, to most people, some small, unavoidable part of high school. 

But to me, and I speak very literally here:

Creative writing saved my life. It is the reason I am alive and typing this today.

When I was at my lowest, all I could think was how terrible I was at everything, how I was a piece of useless shit, good for nothing, worthless, a waste of the world's resources. 

When you literally believe you contribute nothing to the world but misery, it's very easy to kill yourself, or attempt it. 

I had to try very, very hard to think of one tiny thing I was good at, one insignificant little thing I could say I was better at than other people, in order to stop from throwing myself off a balcony, or draining the blood from my wrists, or hanging, or overdosing, etc.

There was only ever one thing I could think of, and that was my creative writing. Because I was damn good at that, no matter how much of a failure I was with everything else in my life.

And that kept me alive.

And when I needed to vent, I would write as a stress-release. I would write about fictional characters in their fictional worlds, doing extraordinary things worth writing about. I could escape into this world I could control, a world where there were never any me's running around fucking things up. 

And that writing turned out to be really good, soooo it was a win-win. 

My previous post about whether I would give up bipolar or not ties in really heavily with this creativity post, because the question is essentially asking whether I'd give up this creative part of me, the part I treasure most, in order to be 'normal'.

If I had had a 'normal' high school experience, I would have gone to every class, got B's and C's, never done anything particularly good or bad, graduated and gotten into accounting or something.

Instead, I skipped a vast majority of classes and assignments, using various medical certificates as excuses. I pretended I had 'cramps' at the nurses office to sleep for an hour instead of attending class, or hung out under the bleachers and smoked a joint with friends. 
I got below 50% in every class, but beat 99.9% of students nationwide in the creative writing sections of their English exams. 
I was essentially the worst student in the school in every subject except writing, and the best in the school at that. Fun outliers (hahaha).

It's the only thing in my life I can actually feel proud of, and it's kept me going long enough to get better. I may have been the worst at everything else, but I was the best when it came to my creative outlet.

If I was 'normal' would I have needed that outlet in the first place?
I would be average at everything, as opposed to being terrible at everything except one thing that I was exceptionally great at.

Are you seeing a pattern here? Bipolar moods shift from 1-10 with little in between moods. 'Normal' moods always hover around 5.

My schoolwork was either appalling (1) or brilliant (10), instead of average (5) overall.

I think the correllation is interesting anyway.

- M

Stephen Fry the Funny Guy

"Stephen John Fry is an English actor, screenwriter, author, playwright, journalist, poet, comedian, television presenter, film director and board member of Norwich City Football Club." - Wikipedia

He also happens to be a long time sufferer of bipolar depression, and has spoken quite openly about it in his two part documentary, "Stephen Fry: The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive."

I can generally speak about my bipolar depression (type 2) in an offhand, upbeat manner (which is the protocol unless you want everyone around you to squirm uncomfortably), but watching this documentary made me cry at parts, made my heart hurt, because it was so real, and made me face parts of myself I choose not to think about because it's just easier.

One part that I want to address now is the dark question I usually avoid. 

"If you had the opportunity, would you choose not to have Bipolar Depression? To never have been born with it?"

Well, shit.

I don't actually know.

For you non-bipolars out there, let's try a fun exercise.

Remember, for a minute, the happiest moment of your life. The moment where you felt elated, excited, energetic. Like the whole world was yours, you could do anything, you were part of this beautiful universe, surrounded by beauty and love and life and light. You could dance for hours straight, jumping and laughing and infecting everyone with your energy because there was so much it just spilled over onto your peers.

Have you ever felt a moment like that?

On a scale of 1-10, that would be your '10'.

Now remember the darkest moment of your life. The moment when every breath rattled in your chest when you drew it in. Where your heart felt truly squeezed and broken, your mind decimated and thrown to the hungry dogs. Where there was no energy left to live or move or blink or feel. Where your presence was toxic to anyone around you, and the sound of every tear falling was painfully loud in the quiet of your loneliness.

Let's call that your '1'.

Now just try to imagine, that your '10' is only about 1/50^th of a bipolar sufferer's '10.'

That euphoric '10' that you feel? Someone with bipolar's '10' is 50 times that. It is beyond magic, or spirituality. It is just happiness in its purest form.

And imagine the darkest you've felt, your '1'. Same thing. 50 times that.

There's a beautiful, tragic moment in the Fry documentary, where a man is asked the question, and he replies that no, he would rather have the bipolar, because,

"If you've walked with angels, all the pain and 

suffering is well worthwhile" - 38:25

At that point, I had to pause the video and pace around the house for a minute, collecting my thoughts.

Would I?

There's no describing the high of a '10'. It just is. It is pure, and raw, and you are hilarious and genius at the height of wit and energy.

But the '1's have hurt people around me. And I care about the people around me more than the high, so if I have even the slightest shred of dignity, yeah, I'd get rid of the bipolar. Don't expect this response from all those with bipolar, though. Because until you've experienced it for yourself, you have no idea what you'd be asking us to give up. 

It would mean sacrificing my writing, my piano playing, my personality would probably be affected. This paragraph here can be split into two further blog posts, 'Medication' and 'Creativity'.

However, this is all hypothetical anyway, because it's not something you can just get rid of. Medication and therapy help but it never just 'goes away', so, sorry, but you're stuck with us for now. Let's make the best of this situation?

Oh, and speaking of making the best of a situation, a friend asked me a couple of years ago which two people I'd choose to be stuck on a deserted island with for 10 years. At the time I didn't know Fry had bipolar at all, I just thought he was the coolest guy ever as the host of QI. Hilarious and intelligent, I chose him. 

The other person I chose was Norman Reedus, only because he was ridiculously sexy in 'The Boondock Saints'. 

(It's the Irish accent that does it.) Hahaha ;)

Seriously as if this isn't the hottest thing you've ever seen.

Just look at him. 

- M

But I Don't Wanna See a Shrink...

You don't want to see a shrink?
Too bad. Shrinks help.

Suck it up, Princess.

Guess what? Nobody likes seeing a shrink. Mine works 45 minutes away, and I have to go see her when it's peak hour and everyone is crammed onto the train at the same time, sweating in their business suits.

It's not fun.

Plus I go there and I don't know what to say sometimes and for the first YEAR it feels like absolutely no progress is being made.
On top of that, it can be expensive and hard to find a psych you can actually click with. I tried out like 5 different psychs that all felt fake to me until I found one I got along with and I've been seeing her for a long time (about 6 years now).

Each psych has a different style of therapy. You just gotta find one that works with your own style. Then see them REGULARLY for about a year and then you'll realise, oh, hey, you actually feel better than you did a year ago, and you'll be all, 'YES! OH MY GOSH!'

- M

Support Networks (A Brutally Honest Reality)

I just realised some people reading this might not be other bipolar sufferers looking to understand themselves a little better, but may be the loved ones of someone who is suffering from bipolar, who want to get inside the mind of their loved one to understand what they're thinking and feeling.

Coolbeans.

Alright so when it comes to support networks, I gotta tell you, there is a fine line between friends, family and significant others wanting to listen and help, and them getting so sick of you bitching and whining all the time that they just want nothing more than for you to shut up.

They tell you they want you to always be open and honest about how you're feeling, and to let it all out.
I'll be honest with you angelfaces - They don't.

Yes, it is good to be honest and open. Yes, it is good to share. Yes, if you feel like you are going to hurt yourself or someone else you should most definitely talk.

BUT remember that your friends are not trained therapists. They don't know what to do in this situation. They want to help, but don't know how, and it's not their job to take on the responsibility for your well-being.

HIRE A THERAPIST, COUNCILLOR, PSYCHIATRIST, PSYCHOLOGIST OR SOMEONE ELSE.

Don't want to?

It is their job to listen and help, and they know how to respond in these situations.

Friends don't want to be around someone who can't have fun at all. They don't want to be around someone that constantly puts a damper on a party atmosphere or ruins a social gathering. I have a friend, Riley, who insists he is his own therapist, and proceeds to cry every time he has a beer and it's always up to us to listen to him for hours on end instead of being back inside, laughing with other friends.

Friends want to help, they are there for you, so tell them if you're feeling sad, or talk out some problems with them but be very careful you don't use them as your therapists. It's not fair, and it won't earn you any friends, and I'd just like to point out that Riley is consistently single because no girl wants to date someone who constantly brings them down.

A support network is people that love you and want to help, PLUS a trained professional. There's a healthy balance you need to maintain.
Talk to your friends, family and significant others, but don't expect them to be able to solve your problems, and remember not to use them as a crutch. Admit you need help, and go see someone regularly. It helps.

- M

Ms. Polar in Love (Not Really)

Ms. Polar in love...

Well, not really. I think I've only ever been in love once, when I was 18, with a guy and met and spent 24 hours with before he left for England for medical school. It was a magical 24 hours, but I wonder what would have happened if he'd stayed. Maybe I would have discovered he enjoys midget foot porn or something, so I think I'm glad it stayed as a perfect, unspoiled memory.

I'm not talking about that guy now, though. I'm talking about this guy Declan who asked me out about a week ago.

Declan is the kind of guy that most girls would find attractive, I guess. Goes to a good university, studying to become an engineer, hits the gym regularly and has a fun, easy-going personality. 

Unfortunately, the guy's conversation points revolve around beer, footy, chicks, basketball aaand more beer. He said he hates learning. How can someone hate learning? Learning is one of life's greatest joys.

Anyway, he was a good friend, and I had hooked up with him while clubbing twice before, so I guess it wasn't completely out of the blue when he called me and asked to go to dinner. 

I quickly shut him down, saying, 'Hey, sorry, I don't do the whole relationship/dating thing.'

He wasn't the first guy I used that line on, and he won't be the last. 

'Yeah, Jonny said you didn't do dates. That's alright, I'll talk to you later.'

I hung up, thinking about how, despite not being the right guy for me, he was a good friend. I had been pretty curt on the phone, and quick to hang up. I didn't really offer him any explanations, either. 

He probably thought I was some cold-hearted bitch. 

So I sent him a text the next morning, doing something I never do.

I explained.

I felt like I owed him a reason, so I told him I had bipolar depression, and explained that being in a relationship would put a lot of pressure on me to be 'normal' all the time, and go to the gym everyday to maintain my figure, and always be up for going out to parties, which I can't always do.

Don't get me wrong, the psychiatrist and psychologists over the past five years have helped, sure, but there are still times when I'm not up for putting on a tight dress and hitting the city for a fun night out, there are times when I want to stay home in my sweats for a week and just be myself, even if that means I'm feeling sad.

I can't completely control bipolar. If I could, believe me I would have done it years ago. 

So being in a relationship wouldn't be fair on me, because not being able to be a 'normal' girlfriend for my boyfriend would make me feel guilty and disappointed in myself, which would lead to my feeling more down, which would lead to more guilt... It would be a downward spiral, and it wouldn't be fair on him to have to deal with that.

A lot of people with bipolar are completely fine being in relationships, and they should be. Good for them. I'm not quite there yet though.

So I sent the text and, what do you know? Declan ignored it for about a week, then when he finally talked to me, it was about something unrelated and douchey, like some girl sent him a nude picture or something. 

Apart from the fact that Declan is an ass, my point here is that some people with bipolar are at a point where the bipolar is no longer a factor in their dating life. Most have perfectly happy love lives, and don't let the mental illness impede on that happiness. 

For other people, it can be harder, and it can take some time, and it's to these people I say-

Forget the Declans of the world. They're idiots. 

I mean, still be nice to them and everything, but don't rely on them as a support network.

Your support network should be comprised of people that love and care for you, not idiots that have a stronger opinion of touchdowns and types of beer than political landmines likes refugees, gay marriage, abortion, tax etc.

(Note my post on support networks).

P.S: As I'm writing this, the guy sent me a text telling me about some 'chick' he's planning to 'bone' at an upcoming party we're both attending.

Seriously, he's an idiot.

- M

Enter the Multifaceted Mind

After watching 'The Roommate' starring the ever lovely Leighton Meester, it came to my attention that whenever mental illness is referenced in the media, it is always the product of a desperate need for more drama, to prey on an uninformed fear that those who suffer from a mental illness may, at any moment, become completely unhinged and start tearing out jugulars with their fangs.

God save the 'normals', who would be facing the equivalent of a zombie apocalypse if that were the case, with an incredible percentage of the world's population suffering from one mental illness or another.

Cue 'Ms. Polar', an Australian university student, good daughter, sister, and friend to many.

Australia, by the way:

Diagnosed with type 2 bipolar disorder, with an array of mild, accompanying symptoms like Seasonal Affective Disorder, an uncomfortable mix of lethargy, a little insomnia, a lot of anemia and a sprinkling of OCD. (And, of course, the aforementioned insanity fangs).

Mental illness makes the mind an interesting place, a multifaceted platform where each turn either brings a pot of gold or a fire-breathing dragon.

- M